Godzilla vs. IIH

[I wrote the following in 1985 or 1986.  Real names have been redacted.  I have added maybe too many footnotes.]

GODZILLA VS. IIH

     New York city is a heck of a town.  It's got many schools.  One of the oldest is "— — —."  And one of the two teachers for the two second grades is Miss H—.  Her class is IIh.  IIh has 21 kids.  1 is moi.  One morning at 8:30, Miss H— said, "Time for assembly."

    "What'll we do for assembly?" asked Tyler T—.

     "Fourth grade talent show," said Miss H—.

* * *

     "Who ya gonna call?  GHOSTBUSTERS!" finished a fourth grade singer.

    "That was my favorite song so far," B— whispered to me.

    "There's always something good at the theatre," I whispered back.¹

    ROAR!  Everyone gasped.  The stage exploded!  The fourth grader jumped off just in time.  Another ROAR!  A gigantic foot crashed into the audience.  10 fourth graders were crushed.²   Everybody ran—except for the kids of IIh.  A hand grasped [the school].  CRASH!  The ceiling was pulled up from the theatre.  There, looking down at us was—no—it couldn't be!  It was Godzilla!  "It's Godzilla!" cried William S—.

    Andrew D—, cheerful as ever, laughed, "He looks as fake as the movie!"  One of the scaly hands grasped Andrew.

    ROAR! Suggested Godzilla.

    "HELP!" added Andrew.³

    Jason L— grinned devilishly as he drew his pocket knife.  You could hear Godzilla's painful roar all over.  WHEREVER YOU WERE ON EARTH YOU WOULD HEAR IT!⁴  Godzilla was furious.  He dropped Andrew and reached for Jason.  Tyler gasped.  Sam S— gave a worried look, but Liam R— had a great idea.  He whispered it to Adam L— who whispered it to me.⁵  I screamed it to the rest of the class, "Beat up Godzilla!"⁶

    I said to M—, "Go get Ibn, Kapon, and Klipper.  Alltogether [sic] they're stronger then [sic!] all IIh."⁷  M— was gone in a jiffy.

    I turned to L—.  "I know," he said.  "Get 200 matches."⁸

* * *

    "Don't just hit his legs!" I said, biting Godzilla.  "Bite em'!  Slap em'!  Kick em'!  Punch em'!"⁹

    The door burst open with M—, Ibn, Kapon, and Klipper running in.  THE FIGHT BEGAN!  SLAP!  KICK!  PUNCH!  SLASH!  ROAR!¹⁰

    Godzilla's leg was burning with pain.  'It's because of those Ribbon, Chapon, and Nipper!' thought Godzilla.¹¹  'There is only one thing to do...KILL!'  Godzilla roared.  The chairs of the theatre exploded!

    Adam ran in with the 200 matches.  Quickly, he lit them.  Fire started.  "RUN!  SCRAM!  GET OUT OF THE THEATRE!" yelled Adam.  Everyone obeyed—except Godzilla.¹²  I set the fire alarm.  1st grade grade [sic] ran out of school.  Then 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th.¹³  The whole school watched watched [sic] as the theatre burned.

* * *

    "Anyone injured?" asked the fire chief.

    "None," I said.¹⁴

    "Then what are those piles of corpses?"

    "That's only one corpse.  The corpse of Godzilla."¹⁵

EPILOGUE:

    We found out it was not Godzilla's corpse.  It was his skin.  He had shed his skin and went in the Earth.¹⁶  Now the theatre is rebuilt.

¹ Best part.  Not sure where I got the R-E spelling.

² Fuckin' fourth graders.

³ "Suggested," "added": I think this joke comes from Douglas Adams, but it might be Bored of the Rings or something.

⁴ Holy fuck that's loud!

⁵ "I love tits?"

⁶ Not a bad plan.  Thank you, Liam.

⁷ Sorry, fellas.  The brilliant joke coming up simply outweighs the value of your anonymity, as I'm sure you'll agree.  Think of it as a plug for your phenomenal physical strength.  And while we've got you on the horn—you were cutting assembly in second grade?

⁸ The leadership position that Adam L— assumes in this story is remarkable to me.  This really was his finest hour at — — —.

⁹ I knew there had to be an apostrophe in there somewhere.  Now I've got "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" stuck in my head.  I wish I could get those dancing robot girls stuck in my BED, heyo!

¹⁰ I mean, I don't wanna brag or nothing, but this is some exciting shit.

¹¹ Not sure where I got the idea that you use single quotes for thoughts.

¹² Stupid moron.

¹³ All of the grades, really.

¹⁴ Just 10 fuckin' fourth graders.

¹⁵ OK, no, that's the best part.

¹⁶ Ho, shit!