Lost in Translation, by Robo-Coppola

The following is excerpted from a screenplay I wrote in 2004.  People told me I was wasting my time writing it: "No one will ever buy or produce a screenplay called Jesus Christ: King of the Mole People," they said.  Well, I ignored them, and guess what?  It's four years later, and we are this close to electing a black president!  So who's crazy now??

N.B.: Ideally "voice of dog" would be H. Jon Benjamin.

INT. LAB BUILDING, CANINE LAB - NIGHT

A group of SCIENTISTS stands near a cage with a DOG in it.  The dog is rather excited, jumping around and BARKING intermittently.  The scientists are all looking at a small device that looks something like a remote control or possibly an electric shaver.  [Gen.] Mifflin is with them, talking to one of the scientists, SCIENTIST 1, who appears to be in charge.

MIFFLIN   I want to see it work now.

SCIENTIST 1   Sir, we haven't quite ironed out—

MIFFLIN   Did you hear me?

SCIENTIST 1   Yessir.

The head scientist nods to another scientist, SCIENTIST 2, who takes the device over to the cage.

SCIENTIST 1   Well, sir, as you know, this device should interpret the dog's bark, using a very sophisticated—

MIFFLIN   Show me.

Scientist 2 gets into the cage with the dog.  The dog BARKS excitedly.

SCIENTIST 2   O.K., boy.  Let's see.

The scientist fiddles with the device.  The dog BARKS again.

SCIENTIST 2 (to himself)   OK...   (to everyone)   OK, it's on.   (to the dog)   All right, Spence.  Come on, Spencer.

The dog BARKS again, and this time the device speaks for him.

VOICE OF DOG   I want chowder.

SCIENTIST 1   There!

But the other scientists react with surprise.

SCIENTIST 3   "I want chowder"?

Scientist 1 realizes that this is odd.

SCIENTIST 1   Huh.

SCIENTIST 2   Does this dog even know what chowder is?

The dog BARKS again.

VOICE OF DOG   I want chowder.

SCIENTIST 1   OK, turn it off!

The dog BARKS again.

VOICE OF DOG   I want chowder.

SCIENTIST 1   Turn it off!

Scientist 2 turns off the device.

SCIENTIST 1 (generally)   Who programmed the word "chowder" into this thing?

MIFFLIN   I'll take it.

SCIENTIST 1   Sir?

MIFFLIN   I said I'll take it.

SCIENTIST 1   Sir, clearly there are some—

MIFFLIN   Are you going to make me say it a third time?

Brief pause.

SCIENTIST 1   No, sir.

CUT TO:

INT. LAB BUILDING, JESUS' ROOM - NIGHT

The room is divided in half by a large transparent wall—plate glass or some kind of plexiglass with a door in it.  One half of the room is for scientists and observers; the other half is for Jesus.  Jesus sits crouched in a corner of his half of the room like a caged animal.  In the room with him is a ball and some plastic baby toys.  On the other side of the glass, another scientist, MURPHY, watches Jesus.

MURPHY (softly, through the glass)   You see me.

Murphy taps the glass.  Suddenly Mifflin bursts in with the translator device.

MIFFLIN   Murphy!

Murphy is surprised and jumps back from the glass.

MIFFLIN   What did I say about tapping?

MURPHY   Sorry, sir.

Mifflin walks past him and steps into Jesus' half of the room.  Jesus tries to retreat further into the corner of the room.  Mifflin adopts a much kindlier attitude than we've seen in him yet: he's talking to a child or a madman.

MIFFLIN   Now, now.  Don't be frightened.

JESUS   Ephphatha.

MIFFLIN   Yes, yes.

Mifflin switches on the dog translator and holds it out toward Jesus.  Jesus recoils.

MIFFLIN   There, there.  I'm not going to hurt you.  There, there.

Jesus now eyes the device with curiosity.

MIFFLIN   Good.

Mifflin steps closer to Jesus with it.

MIFFLIN   Now, talk to me.

Jesus gets much more comfortable and even approaches Mifflin.  Mifflin stiffens a little but stands his ground.  On the other side of the glass, Murphy cautiously reaches for a gun.  Jesus leans toward the dog translator.

MIFFLIN   Say something.  Say something to me.

Jesus sniffs at the device.

MIFFLIN   No, no.  Speak.  Speak!

Jesus looks at him suspiciously.  Mifflin is running out of patience.

MIFFLIN   Speak, I said.  Teach me something, God damn it!

JESUS   Ephphatha!

VOICE OF DOG   I don't like you.

Mifflin's eyes widen with excitement.

MIFFLIN   A-ha!  A-ha!

Mifflin looks at the device and then pushes it toward Jesus again.

JESUS   Ephphatha!

VOICE OF DOG   Stay away from me.

MIFFLIN (thrilled)   A-ha!  Now say something else.

Jesus tilts his head.

MIFFLIN Something else, say something else!  Go on!

Jesus seems to be calming down and becoming a little more trusting.

MIFFLIN   Go on.  Go on, say something.  It's OK.

JESUS   Ephphatha.

VOICE OF DOG   I want chowder.

Mifflin frowns.

MIFFLIN   What?  No.  Again.

JESUS   Ephphatha.

VOICE OF DOG   I want chowder.

MIFFLIN (furious)   No!

Jesus is startled and grows angry.

JESUS   Ephphatha!

VOICE OF DOG   I want chowder.

MIFFLIN   No!  No no no no no no no!

MURPHY   Sir...!

Suddenly Jesus pounces, throwing himself on Mifflin like a wild animal.  Mifflin goes down with Jesus all over him; from Murphy's side of the room, we lose sight of them.  Mifflin SCREAMS AND SCREAMS.

VOICE OF DOG (translating the screams)   I'm frightened.  I'm frightened.

. . . Exciting, eh?  NOW GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY.