25 random things

25 things about me

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.  At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.  You have to tag the person who tagged you.  If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your Fæcebook profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people, then click publish.)

1. I was born in an airplane, but it wasn't in the air or even in an airport.  It was at the bottom of the ocean, 12,000 feet beneath the surface.  (My parents were hippies.)
2. My dad once got in a fight with Martin Buber at some dive in what we used to call Alphabet City.  Buber hit him in the head with a bar stool.
3. Since graduating from college, I have lived in 18 different apartments and never once paid rent.
4. The proudest I've ever been was when I got to meet R&B singer Barack Obama, and he complimented me on my hilarious T-shirt.
5. I have a collection of hilarious T-shirts.
6. My grandfather performed in more than 50 adult films under the stage name "President Warren G. Hard-on."
7. I believe in God, but I believe that he is very small and that he lives under my refrigerator.
8. My favorite group is Steamy Wonder.  Very superstitious!
9. Although technically a virgin, I have "semi-humped" over 300 women.
10. I wear a mustache to cover up an embarrassing lip tattoo that I got while I was high on foie gras.  (You dry it and then you smoke it.)
11. Once I spent a whole month counting.  I got to only like 200 because I kept losing count.
12. When I was a senior in high school I almost got held back for skipping so much school but then I used my computer to make the number of absences on the school computer go down and the principal watched it happen on his computer screen and he totally had to like scream for his assistant.  He was on the phone with my mom when this happened, and then later he got mauled by my dog.  It was pretty funny.
13. I was arrested in Texas for urinating on an America.
14. Every time it rains, I experience pain in my elbow.  Every time it rains fire, I get constipated.
15. I used to be a bartender, and one time a priest, a minister, and a rabbi all walked into the bar together.  It was nice to see that they were friends and got along in spite of their different religious backgrounds.
16. My mother weighs 500 lbs., but I wouldn't say she's overweight because she's also 22 feet tall.
17. I have to be very careful because of my condom allergy: if I eat one, I go into prophylactic shock!  Thank you, I'm here all week.
18. Actually, though, I have a very serious allergy to condoms.
19. My uncle worked at NASA and he said the moon landing was real but that Neil Armstrong was a robot.
20. The tattoo on my lip says "Read my lips."  I also have a tattoo on my lower lip of a tongue sticking out, but I don't cover that one up because it's awesome.
21. The summer after my freshman year of college I accidentally killed my girlfriend's doorman by dropping a brick on his head from out her seventeenth-story window.  I've never told anybody that before.  I told all the other guys in prison I was framed by another doorman.
22. When I say "girlfriend" I should probably say "unwitting female companion."
23. I do not believe in ghosts, but I do believe in goblins.
24. I can move small objects with my brain, but it involves the use of my appendages.
25. One day I'll go to the dentist.