ABC, battling 123

Frustrated with the unnumbered streets in NoLIta or Nolita,* Dr. Math recently suggested that uptown is for Math majors and downtown is for English majors. Observe:

(click to study the numbers)

(click to peruse the words)

Whether or not this comes down to a battle between the arts and sciences, I do have a great fondness for Lower Manhattan. In the spirit of unnecessarily brutal self-analysis, I will point out that part of the reason I like the area so much is that I grew up on the Upper West Side and some anxious and superficial part of me is surely desperate to shed my uptown associations and to roll around in downtown associations like a dog in garbage(?). I remember once, when I was in my early 20s, another, much cooler citizen of Manhattan essentially denied me my New Yorkerhood (my humanity, even) by saying that everything north of 14th Street was unspeakably uncool—and in classic insecure adolescent style I accepted her assessment as true instead of rejecting her as ridiculous. (I see now that she was being ridiculous and she was right.)

When I was teaching English at a private school (very much north of 14th Street, very much south of 125th), the following conversation with a ninth-grader amused me but also reminded me of my own personal map of New York City, circa 1993:

STUDENT Where do you live?

SHORTY Downtown.

STUDENT Like...42nd Street?

SHORTY Further downtown.

STUDENT 34th Street?

SHORTY Further.

STUDENT 14th Street?

SHORTY Further.

[The student's eyebrows go up.]

STUDENT 8th Street?

SHORTY Even further.

STUDENT 4th Street?

SHORT Further.

STUDENTY 1st Street?!

SHORTY Further.

[Student's face expresses total incomprehension.]

STUDENT 0th Street?

SHORTY Well, pretty close. I live a little bit south of 0th Street.

[Student reacts in a way not substantively different from the way he'd presumably have reacted if I had said, "I live in New York Squared, in an alternate dimension."]

And I will confess: I am very pleased with myself. In fact my only problem is that I'm 15–40 years too late to this neighborhood. But I don't want my unnecessarily brutal self-analysis to give a false impression: I'm not all about appearances. I'm only partially about appearances. As are we all.

Below: a larger and more complete version of the excellent map of Lower Manhattan.

(click to enjoy)

* But never, ever "NoLiTa," which just doesn't make a lick of sense.