overheard in my apartment

[I found this in my drafts folder from April 2009, back when I lived in NoNo in New York. I'm hitting "post" on this without tinkering around with the content.]

My neighbor likes to sit in her window and smoke and talk on the phone, such that I can hear her conversations clearly when I'm in my apartment with my window closed...sometimes even when I have music playing. I let her know a little while back that she was sharing her conversations with her neighbors, and she evidently didn't give a shit, so I decided I might as well get something out of this annoyance: I think I'm going to start transcribing snippets of her conversations and see whether it's of any entertainment value. I'm hoping she'll say something intensely personal and embarrassing: if you make people listen to your private conversations, well, then they aren't private anymore, hon.

So let's see, here:

[a Saturday afternoon]

NEIGHBOR: Um, that's kind of awesome. Well, that's really really awesome. It's so, it's so, like, mature. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. [Pause, followed by insincere laughter.] Yeah, but that was cultivated! Yeah! Seriously, every time you do, he's gonna think you're his fucking best friend. Yeah, exactly. So funny. Oh, my God. [Laughter, possibly sincere.] No, she could yell out "Michael Jackson"!

[A little later that same afternoon]

NEIGHBOR: Trust me when I tell you, because I've been where you are: do not lose any more weight because you will look worse. No, but, OK, [name inaudible] weighs 195? Yeah, you've got weight up there, but that's your skull. At my birthday, you looked liked you had the most angular... Hm. Wait, one more thing before you get off the phone.. . [Inaudible.] What? Why not? No, Josh Brolin, dude. Not Josh Cohen. Josh Brolin. Honestly, why would I? That's not important, people have sex with Josh all the time. But Josh Brolin... The thing is, he is [inaudible]. [Pause.] I love you. Tell Tyler to stop cheating on me. Ask him, ask him, ask him if Julia wasn't [inaudible]... [Laughter.]

[a Thursday afternoon]

No, that whole town in Mexico where it started. That little boy. [pause] [Inaudible] with Dan because said he had a sex addiction...? [Laughter.] [Radio silence for a while after she leaves her window. She returns to share her conversation with all her neighbors.] Well, you can do that. I'm still going to [inaudible], though. It's not even that, just don't disrespect her. [Pause] I got on the guest list, plus one. So I may embarrass myself... [Pause] Oh my god, are they those African looking ones...? Oh my God, I need those shoes! Wait until you see them, it's a match made in Heaven.

[a Tuesday night]

I hate umbrellas? And my first panic attack ever?—was when I was in this place where there were all these umbrellas?—and I was like, "Oh my God, somebody's going to lose a fucking eye!"